Ready or Not
by eyrianone
Summary: She showed Lee Travis her scar. On her way home from her appointment with Dr. Burke, it occurs to Kate that there is someone else who should see it more. This contains spoilers for 'Kill Shot' Post-Ep and Castle's novel 'Heat Rises'.


**Title: **Ready or Not.

**Author:** Eyrianone

**Summary:** She showed Lee Travis her scar – on her way home from her appointment with Dr. Burke it occurs to Kate that there is someone else who should see it more. (This contains spoilers for 'Kill Shot' (Post-Ep) and Castle's novel 'Heat Rises'.)

**Disclaimer**: I hope 'Via Lethe' won't mind if I pinch my favorite disclaimer of all time from her – 'Words are mine – World ain't.'

**Rating**: T

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><p>Kate leaves Dr. Burke's office feeling like a different person than she did when she arrived only an hour before. She get's on the subway to head for home and amid the crowds and the noise and the smells of New York City she doesn't even notice the crush. She's calm, centered – somehow different already and her symptoms of PTSD have evaporated for the time being. She still doesn't like the label – PTSD – doesn't like to think of herself as 'damaged goods', but recovery can only come from honestly accepting where she's at and where she wants to go – and at least there Beckett knows she's finally making progress.<p>

Progress is what's important. Because she's already wasted years letting this thing with her mother define her and she refuses to waste more time – not when everything she truly wants for herself is waiting. Not when she's making _him_ wait – not when clearly any given moment they could really run out of time.

And some things that Dr. Burke said to her are on constant reply in her mind.

"_She's dead. You can't let her down Kate. You can only let yourself down."_

That comment, and this one – "_Her death is a part of you, and you have to make your peace with it, just as you have to make peace with the scars from your shooting, but it doesn't have to limit you."_

Before her shooting she would have walled herself up in denial at both comments – screamed that of course she could let her mother down – of course it limited her to one type of existence – but now . . . now . . . they just leave her feeling - free.

She stays on the subway past her stop – no time like the present to start facing her issues down, and after pushing Castle away so firmly these last few days, she suddenly knows that despite thanking him for giving her space, there is more she can do – and do right now to make it up to him. There is a part of herself she can share and a fear she can shoot down all at the same time.

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><p>It's Alexis who opens the door to the loft when she knocks.<p>

The teenager's face breaks into a genuine smile as she steps back to allow Kate entrance.

"Is this a bad time?" The detective asks shyly.

Castle's daughter shakes her head. "No of course not Detective Beckett – Dad's writing in his study – well at least I think he's attempting too, you can go and see for yourself which it is."

Kate laughs nervously. "Thanks."

Every step across the loft the courage and determination that got her this far starts to desert her, but then she hears Dr. Burke's comments again and she pushes onwards, reaches the door to Castle's 'man cave' and knocks – loudly.

Heart pounding in her chest she waits, then the door to the study swings open and she smiles nervously at her partner and the adorable look of confusion on his handsome face.

"Beckett?"

"Hey Castle. Can we talk – for a minute – if that's okay? I mean, if you're not busy or anything."

_Breathe Kate. You can do this._

"Is something wrong Kate? Has something happened?" He asks, concern clouding his clear blue eyes, hiding their sparkle.

For a moment Kate's chest tightens. This is a part of what she's done to him, that any unexpected visit must mean something is wrong. And yet when he just drops by to see her unannounced she's always thrilled that he did.

Straightening her spine and finding her smile, the dark haired cop shakes her head and pushes Castle back into his study with her fingertips against his chest. He backs up instantly, actually steps _away_ from her touch and her smile falters.

"Are you sure I'm not interrupting something?" She asks.

Castle shakes his head. "Nothing that won't keep – I can't decide if Rook makes it through his shooting or if Nikki has to go on without him – neither way seems to be right but I have to figure it out before I can continue on with the next book so . . . anyway, what brings you by Kate?"

His confession startles her, she hadn't considered for an instant that he might actually let Rook die, and suddenly what she came by to share with him seems all the more important.

"Maybe I can help you make up your mind." She says, before she screws her courage to the sticking place and heads for the door on the opposite side of his study that leads to his bedroom. She doesn't look to see if he's following, she can sense him on her heels.

She's never seen this room before – not in all the years they've worked together –fantasies a plenty have colored many a night of wanting him, and now that she sees the room it's almost exactly as she pictured it would be.

Sinfully large bed, masculine colors and silk sheets. Kate lets it all distract her for a moment, committing the details to memory and then she turns to face her partner.

"I have something I want to show you." She says, when he says nothing, just stares at her, his eyes darkening.

"And we need to be in my bedroom for this Kate?" He answers – his voice rough, and his hands fisting at his sides.

If occurs to Kate that he probably has fantasies about her in this room, that's why this is difficult for him, but she can hardly do what she's about to any place else so she settles for nodding.

And then in one swift movement she pulls both her sweater and the hoody she's wearing over top of it up and over her head - leaving herself glad in her black bra and her jeans.

Castle's eyes close.

"Kate . . . what are you doing?"

"I showed him Castle – I showed Lee Travis and it just seems crazy to me that I could share it with him - but I've hidden it from you."

The writer still doesn't open his eyes.

"What are we talking about?"

"I didn't want you to see me Castle – to see any of it. I didn't want to be weak in your eyes, didn't want you to see me as anything less than beautiful. I'm so sorry." She says, wondering how she can explain behavior that shames her now.

Castle shakes his head, but at least he opens his eyes. He tries to keep his eyes focused on her face, but they hungrily scan her body despite his best efforts.

"So help me Kate if you don't start making sense soon . . . "

She steps close enough to him that the heat of his body prickles all down the front of her, and then she reaches for his hand and places it on the skin of her left side, right where the skin is raised and puckered and slowly fading from angry-red to scar-white.

Comprehension streaks across her partners face.

Gentle fingers run up her side, and he steps back slightly, and looks down. His eyes widen and grow darker still as he focuses on the almost perfectly circular bullet scar between her breasts.

"Oh Kate." He whispers.

"There's another one from the actual surgery below my left breast – but it's covered by the bra and . . . well . . . I figure, for now – maybe this is enough." She says softly.

He nods mutely – eyes filling with unshed tears.

Kate takes a deep breath, moves his hand from the scar on her side to gently rest over the one atop her heart. He can feel her breathing, the wild beating beneath his palm a miracle all over again now that he's seen exactly where the rifle bullet pierced her skin.

"I'm sorry I keep you waiting." She whispers. "I'm sorry you'll never know how I looked before. I'm sorry I'm still not ready for everything we could have Rick . . . but I want you to know that I'm really trying to get there. You deserve to know - and I've never really said it - that I understand how perfect we are for each other – and that I do want it – I do."

His answer is couched in safe terms – for both of them. "So you're telling me Rook lives." Castle responds.

Beckett nods. "He lives – looks a little different than he maybe did before, with his permanent reminders of the sacrifice he made to save Nikki." She says lightly, but in her very levity Castle hears her plea for reassurance.

"The scars don't dim your beauty even one watt Kate. Not to me. In fact they themselves are beautiful, they're a story of survival, they're just another part of you – and you could _never_ be less than perfect in my eyes. I don't want you any less because of them – I only want you more."

She scans his face, finds nothing but raw honesty staring back at her.

"Thank you for sharing them with me – I know it wasn't an easy thing for you to do Kate." He says, before he releases her and grabs her clothes, pulling the sweater free he slips it over her head with a small sigh of reluctance – and God she loves him for it.

"You know, this is not how I thought your first time in my bedroom would go." He says smiling.

She grins back at him. "Yeah me neither Castle. Can I just promise you it'll be more fun next time and leave it at that?"

Her partner steps close and then kisses the tip of her nose, before he pulls her against him and hugs her hard.

"As long as you will promise me a next time Kate – as long as you can make me that promise – that's all I could ask."

She talks into his chest, squeezes him tightly.

"I promise to keep reaching for you Rick – both when I ready and even when I'm not."


End file.
